10/9

Thinking about how fucked everything is. How vast the ocean is, and how big our world is only for greedy corporations to ruin the gift of the world, of life, of nature so they can line their pockets with money; that doesn't hold any real value. Thinking about how I want to go home, how I'm stuck in the city, how I just want to live like my ancestors, how I want to know my language, how I've been learning my language since Daycare, yet I'm still not proficient and speaking at a toddler level. How fucked my brain is due to trauma that isn't mine, trauma passed down from generations, from poor schooling, from colonialism. How beautiful the full moon is over the 12am Pacific Landscape, how the ferry probably fucks with Marine live, how much oil it takes to run a ferry, how poisonous it might be to the water

10/10

Reading poems I wrote about Äʼtsųąʼs dementia, about her death. Poems about Ä́taʼs alcoholism, about the lumps on his head. Poems about my yearning to live, my yearning to love, my yearning to have friends who actually care about me, who actually talk to me. Poems about the asshat that used me, Poems about burning these poems with gasoline because they're too vulnerable

10/12

I'm so tired, tired of trying, tired of putting in the effort just to be tortured everyday. Why can other people my age be allowed to live their lives, go outside, go to the movies, party, drink, etc. Where I'm stuck at home, alone, suffering because of my galstones. Why am I such a burden? there's always something wrong with me, it's either my mental health, my physical health or I'm just dissociated. If I need surgery for my Gallbladder, then who is going to take care of me? of bean? It'll cost Ä́mą money to fly down here, sheʼs already struggling financially, and I just feel like a burden.

10/13

It's a human function to eat, and I'm being punished for it. All I had was a simple Penne pasta, I didn't even eat it all, I finished half, and now I've been dealing with the sharp pain in my rib, it grows difficult to breathe, I can't sleep. No matter if I stand, sit or lay down I'm in pain. There's no escape...why am I being punished for eating? Why does my body hate me? This has been going on for well over 24hrs, I may have to go to emergency once again only to be given a Tylenol and sent home fuck my life